I have been going to a local gigachurch for the last few months, and they sure do preach quite a bit about tithing. Since I didn’t want God to curse me like the preacher said God would do if I did not tithe, I studied up on this tithe thing a little bit and decided to give it a go. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I wanted to see if God would bless me with stuff, overflowing and such, if I did tithe.
On a recent Sunday, during one of the afternoon services, me and my boys, Malachi, Jebediah, Jeremiah, Obadiah, Ebenezer, and Bruce culled the best of our herd of cattle, and some of the other critters from the farm, too, and loaded them up into the cattle trailer. When we got to the church Sunday afternoon, we commenced to unload the cattle and sheep and chickens while sending young Obadiah off to find the churches’ preacher to check out our tithes for flaws like the priests did in the Old Testament. I sent out Ebenezer, the elder son, to look for the storehouse where they keep the tithes, but he could not find it. None of the volunteers that helped us park in the guest parking area knew anything about a storehouse for our tithes. Soon, church security showed up. I thought they were there to help us round up our tithe and help herd them to that hard to find storehouse as they, the cattle and such, were getting restless. I believe church security was a bit unsettled when they arrived at the scene of the tithe, too.
Given the amount of time that had passed since arriving at church and unloading our tithe, the parking lot was getting a bit messy, too, what with the 96°F temperature and the hot asphalt. ‘Nuff said about that, if you know what I mean. Needless to say and cutting to the chase, things did not go as well as I planned, and we still haven’t rounded up Helga, our best milk cow. What I do not understand is this, if some churches are so big on tithing, how come they are so inept?
For your listening enjoyment:
Loved the homage to Spinal Tap towards the end…
OK, one more…
Seriously, the is the last (perhaps he best) one…
I really thought these videos were just too funny…and, after an epiphany of sorts, I see them somehow connected…
“…what better fish to learn from than a fellow mammal…”
From the latter video….After being struck by an ‘existential epiphany’, Fred Taylor asks the ref, “What meaning can life have if the future can be dictated by the random chance of this coin? Existence is a vulgar absurdity.” To which the Onion News commentator responds, “You can’t just wise off to a ref like that…especially at the start of the game.” The other commentator states that “coach Del Rio chewed Talyor out telling him to quit pondering the inconsequence of being in the universe governed by chaos and just play some football.”
Further along, “Those fans must have been furious.” “Well, they were upset. No one likes to be told they were just specks of dust floating through the the universe without purpose.”
While culling my bookmarks, I ran across this:Peter’s Evil Overlord List. Thought I would share a sampling of some gems of wisdom found therein. (I took the liberty to add the Googled images….)
- My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.
- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
- The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
- I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
- If my mad scientist tells me that my superweapon is almost finished, but requires more testing, I will wait for him to complete the testing. No one ever conquered the world by using a beta-version.
- When it is prophesized that “no man will defeat me”, I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.
- I will never attend an auction of an “ultimate weapon”. If the weapon were really that good, the auctioneer would already be Evil Overlord.
- I will always dress in bright, cheery colors… Mostly soft pastels. Wearing nothing but black is too depressing, while wearing all white is too boring.
- My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soldier uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troopers to have a more positive outlook about themselves.
- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
Disclaimer – In no way, shape, or form do I endorse the aspiration to becoming an Evil Overlord