On Psalm 88

Follows in an excerpt from a exposition on Psalm 88 titled “Lament” by Kevin Kim.

God put this intemperate, angry, over-the-top, blasphemous rant in the Holy Scripture…in His Scripture.He put it in there to let us know that He knows how we speak when we are hurting and He understands.

He understands when our feelings so overwhelm us that we say desperate things, incorrect things, even heretical things. He understands so much that He put an example in Scripture saying, “It’s safe to pray like this with Me. It’s safe to pour out your feelings like this with Me because I am still the God of this man, despite the way he talks. I am still his Father.”

God is saying, “I am not your God because you can put on a happy face every Sunday morning.” God is saying to you, “I am not your God because you say all the right things to Me. I am not your God because you do all the right things. I am not your God because you can hold it together. I am just your God. I am just your God, and I am big enough and I am strong enough to hold you when you’re falling apart and to love you at your very best and at your very worst.” He understands your weeping, He understands you anguish, He understands you tears, and He is big enough and strong enough to take it. It is safe to pour out your heart to Him. Psalm 88 is a sign of His grace and understanding.

I remember thumbing through the Psalter of a church I once attended for a brief while. I found it interesting that Psalm 88 was excluded. Having struggled with varying degrees of depression most of my life, I quite frankly am glad Psalm 88 is included in the Bible. Those with such struggles need to know they are not alone. Maybe, too, we find a hint, a shadow, of Christ’s lament on the cross within this Psalm, as One Who felt, at His darkest hour, forsaken, even by the Father as He faced a wrath deserved by us. Maybe we are sometimes allowed to share, even in our wretched unworthiness,  a taste of His suffering. We find, too, He comes into our darkness, quietly, and whispers to us that we are, by His grace, accepted and loved, and that one day, all the darkness will pass.

Psalm 88

A Cry of Desperation

A song. A psalm of the sons of Korah. For the choir director: according to Mahalath Leannoth. A Maskil of Heman the Ezrahite. (A)

1 LORD, God of my salvation,

I cry out before You day and night. (B)

2 May my prayer reach Your presence;

listen to my cry. (C)

3 For I have had enough troubles,

and my life is near Sheol. (D)

4 I am counted among those going down to the Pit. (E)

I am like a man without strength, (F)

5 abandoned [a] among the dead.

I am like the slain lying in the grave, (G)

whom You no longer remember,

and who are cut off from Your care. (H) [b]

6 You have put me in the lowest part of the Pit,

in the darkest places, in the depths. (I)

7 Your wrath weighs heavily on me; (J)

You have overwhelmed me with all Your waves. (K)

Selah

8 You have distanced my friends from me;

You have made me repulsive to them. (L)

I am shut in and cannot go out.

9 My eyes are worn out from crying. (M)

LORD, I cry out to You all day long; (N)

I spread out my hands to You. (O)

10 Do You work wonders for the dead?

Do departed spirits rise up to praise You? (P)

Selah

11 Will Your faithful love be declared in the grave,

Your faithfulness in Abaddon? (Q)

12 Will Your wonders be known in the darkness,

or Your righteousness in the land of oblivion? (R)

13 But I call to You for help, LORD;

in the morning my prayer meets You. (S)

14 LORD, why do You reject me? (T)

Why do You hide Your face from me? (U)

15 From my youth,

I have been afflicted and near death.

I suffer Your horrors; I am desperate. (V)

16 Your wrath sweeps over me;

Your terrors destroy me. (W)

17 They surround me like water all day long;

they close in on me from every side. (X)

18 You have distanced loved one and neighbor from me;

darkness is my [only] friend. (Y) [c]

Chapter Four….being completely honest with myself…

What follows may be considered to be the long-threatened sequel to An Ecclesiastical Journey

I think it may be the curse of the spiritually malcontent and damaged to feel, at times, abandoned by God. Such is the stuff of classical myths and disaffected youth. I have my own narrative about such things.

I was raised in a searingly, achingly, persistently dysfunctional environment beset, surrounded by mental illness, apathy, weakness, and tangible evil in those that should have nurtured me. I do not want to go into deep details for various reasons, nor do I want to come across as much of a whiner seeking the role of the victim, but the hard truth is that one would be hard pressed to erect a more effective framework within which to emotionally and psychologically and permanently cripple a bright, introspective, and creative child. Moved from town to town seventeen times by the time I was eighteen often under great duress and instability, I knew neither mentor, protector, or friend. My refuge was books and music. The most difficult aspect of growing up in such circumstances for me was the sense that, though I often cried out, often tearfully, to God for help, stability, for rescue, He never seemed to provide the help or shelter I craved.

Therein one finds those divine abandonment issues. I was, however, fairly relentless in seeking concourse with God albeit with some frustration. I grew up feeding myself spiritually the best I could without much benefit from the church, and along the way picked up some erroneous doctrine. The few times in my youth that I bumped into the church, I usually ended up in the presence of aberrational and strange charismatic mania  that did me no good.

Years flow by, the past is buried and compressed, and after marriage and fatherhood, the journey towards God becomes more focused. As I moved from a liberal church to a seeker-sensitive church, and then, to a more Christ-centered reformed theology, I came to a more profound understanding of the sovereignty and grace of God and my own sinfulness. Such a deeper understanding of God’s sovereignty, at first, gave me great solace in knowing that God not only was aware of my struggles with my dysfunctional past, with my sin, with my weakness, but He was in control of such and would use them to grow me into Christ-likeness and for His glory. All good and fine….but….not so long ago a perfect multi-front storm of stressors arose, and along with my years of struggling with depression and anxiety, I found myself unable to cope with circumstances. My brain’s serotonin level had became woefully deficient to the point I could not think, could not perform at work, could not interact with others. I crashed so hard and damaged everything that was of value to me. Too, and quite importantly, the church I was involved in, and really no fault of their own, was one of the major factors of my slow-motion, substained crash.

Eventually, I ended up taking a week or so off from work, sought professional help (which, over time, wasn’t very helpful, quite honestly), and began taking an SSRI in the form of an antidepressant called Paxhil. I also found I suffered, as per professional diagnosis, from social anxiety disorder (though I suspected Aspergers Syndrome – but you cannot always trust online mental health diagnostics), post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and clinical depression, all of which I had often self-medicated with (mostly) modest amounts of alcohol. After the passage of some time and as my serotonin levels normalized, I was able to function once again, but damage had been done both at work and home and church. Embarrassment and shame were, and remain, my constant shadows. Eventually, I weened myself off Paxhil, experiencing disturbing lucid dreams and nightmares at night and dizziness during the day in the process, all the while trying to be a good father, husband and employee.

Where this all has led me is to a post-Paxhil, post-church place where I feel as if I have been rebooted, as it were. Much of the mental malware that has belabored me for a lifetime seems to be gone and I feel more whole and assured  and fearless than I ever have in my life, but what seems to have been lost is an innocent, childlike faith in God I experienced for a short few years not too long ago. I do not believe I can lean on the Creator completely anymore. I intellectually acknowledge that He is trustworthy, but that perhaps I am, in His good sovereignty, more a vessel molded for dishonor rather than honor. Perhaps I never really believed like I thought I did. I affirm that He works out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, but now and in light of His seeming absence through much of the course of my 50+ years, I question my love for Him and I question that I am called according to His purpose. Inversely, I question that He has for me anything other than common grace. Quite honestly, I know I do not deserve even that.

In an earlier post, I cryptically alluded to the fact that I may change the direction of this blog due to certain issues, and all the aforementioned is why. Perhaps I will occasionally blog on theological things while I remain in this state of flux, but I may, for a while, let the blog drift into other directions and interests.

I must affirm that I have no significant intellectual issues with orthodox Christianity. I cannot walk away from the real and historical nature of the resurrection of the Christ. I cannot walk away from the natural revelation of the Creator. I would be intellectually dishonest to wed myself to evolutionary thought. If I could honestly do so, quite frankly, my internal tensions would not be so intense. It would be  relatively easy for me to be agnostic at this point and stage. However, things are too complex to take that easy route.

Quite honestly, if anyone wants to correct my thinking, call me out on anything that I have written here, slap me around a bit to knock some sense into me, please go ahead. I did not get to this point overnight. I have been drifting in this direction for quite a while, in all truthfulness,  and I would love to be in another place, as it were. All that being said, my one real theological hope is this: even though I do not like where my head is at spiritually right now, I cannot walk away from the fact that God is sovereign. If he so pleases, He will bring me to a place of trust, and it will be through His effort, not mine, and I will be the wiser for it. If He does not please to do so, I will enjoy His common grace knowing that He is Creator, not me, and in my falleness, I deserve no better than what I get. I believe – I think, help me in my unbelief. What will chapter five bring? I hope a renewed faith.

Perhaps just for awhile

To the few who read this blog on a regular basis, there may be a change of its core content and in its direction for a while as I work through some rather difficult theological issues and wrestle with some personal issues that are fellow travelers with the aforementioned and unmentioned theological issues.

What I hope may eventually be birthed from this caldron is perhaps chapter four of An Ecclesiastical Journey, something I have been wanting to do for quite a while. I hope for a more firmly grounded faith. On the other hand, I may end up in another space altogether as I try piece some foundational things back together.  Failing to find a way to do so will leave me with no option but to sadly walk away from what I have held dear for the last few years. What I will journey to if I cannot piece it all together, well I am not so sure.

Cryptic, I know, and I could ramble on, but that is the best I can do for now.

In the interim, I may do some more writing on evolution, Darwinism, ID and creationism. I may also indulge in more hobby related blogging. Time will tell.

Psalm 13

Another church sign

Stating the obvious, bumper stickers and church signs are often poor venues for declarations requiring nuance, and perhaps one should not put too much effort in analyzing them.  That being said, I ran across a church sign near my house recently that read  “Too Blessed to be Depressed.” These are the same guys whose sign once read “God’s Stimulus Package: The Rapture.” (more on it here) After reading this sign I thought of  the following verses and the tensions contained therein.

Matthew 5:1-4 (NASB)

When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

I think about the inference of that sign that it is normative that Christians should always be happy and never depressed.  What that sign can  be is a slap in the face to someone who mourns.  There are strains of Christianity that really think that Christians are never to be in any kind of want, physical or otherwise.  In light of that church sign, I find it ironic that there is a book in the Bible titled Lamentations.  The Psalms are full of lament; some flirt with utter despair. Psalm 88 comes to mind.

Here are a couple of pertinent quotes that I ran across recently to reflect upon in light of the all the aforementioned:

A. W. Tozer: “It is doubtful God can bless any man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.”

Alan Redpath: “When God wants to do an impossible task he takes an impossible man and crushes him.”

HT: Abide In Christ

In light of the above:

“…your poverty is no hindrance, for my Master asks nothing from you – the poorer the wretch, the more welcome to Christ. My Master is no covetous priest, who demands pay for what he does – he forgives us freely; he wants none of your merits, nothing whatever from you; come as you are to him, for he is willing to receive you as you are. But here is my sorrow and complaint, that this blessed Lord Jesus, though present to heal, receives no attention from the most of men. They are looking another way, and have no eyes for him…. My Master is not wrathful with you who forget him and neglect him, but he pities you from his heart. I am but his poor servant, but I pity, from my inmost; heart, those of you who live without Christ. I could fain weep for you who are trying other ways of salvation, for they will all end in disappointment, and if continued in, will prove to be your eternal destruction.” -Charles Spurgeon

HT:“Did I Stutter?”