Some thoughful links

How to know if God loves you

An insightful review of Steven Furtick’s popular book, Sun Stand Still is to be  found here.

When God Does Not Show Up   A quick thought or two on this post: One one hand, a difficult antidote to that shallow and narcissistic  Best Life Now and Sun Stand Still entitlement mentality…..On the other hand, an honest confession of spiritual struggle, of  those dark seasons of the soul.

While leaning to a more amilliennial escatology, I found this post, 4 Honest Questions About the Millennial Kingdom thought-provoking.

On the 5 Solas

An informative and interesting article on tithing.  Are You Tithing

Some posts for you…

Read and be edified….

 Miss Kitty has an identity crisis

To Grieve and Die Well

Are we thinking when we say: I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord

Looking to Christ + Loving Sin = Futility

Damnable Prayers, Spoken or Implied (scroll down to Thursday, June 2, 2011)

Chapter Four….being completely honest with myself…

What follows may be considered to be the long-threatened sequel to An Ecclesiastical Journey

I think it may be the curse of the spiritually malcontent and damaged to feel, at times, abandoned by God. Such is the stuff of classical myths and disaffected youth. I have my own narrative about such things.

I was raised in a searingly, achingly, persistently dysfunctional environment beset, surrounded by mental illness, apathy, weakness, and tangible evil in those that should have nurtured me. I do not want to go into deep details for various reasons, nor do I want to come across as much of a whiner seeking the role of the victim, but the hard truth is that one would be hard pressed to erect a more effective framework within which to emotionally and psychologically and permanently cripple a bright, introspective, and creative child. Moved from town to town seventeen times by the time I was eighteen often under great duress and instability, I knew neither mentor, protector, or friend. My refuge was books and music. The most difficult aspect of growing up in such circumstances for me was the sense that, though I often cried out, often tearfully, to God for help, stability, for rescue, He never seemed to provide the help or shelter I craved.

Therein one finds those divine abandonment issues. I was, however, fairly relentless in seeking concourse with God albeit with some frustration. I grew up feeding myself spiritually the best I could without much benefit from the church, and along the way picked up some erroneous doctrine. The few times in my youth that I bumped into the church, I usually ended up in the presence of aberrational and strange charismatic mania  that did me no good.

Years flow by, the past is buried and compressed, and after marriage and fatherhood, the journey towards God becomes more focused. As I moved from a liberal church to a seeker-sensitive church, and then, to a more Christ-centered reformed theology, I came to a more profound understanding of the sovereignty and grace of God and my own sinfulness. Such a deeper understanding of God’s sovereignty, at first, gave me great solace in knowing that God not only was aware of my struggles with my dysfunctional past, with my sin, with my weakness, but He was in control of such and would use them to grow me into Christ-likeness and for His glory. All good and fine….but….not so long ago a perfect multi-front storm of stressors arose, and along with my years of struggling with depression and anxiety, I found myself unable to cope with circumstances. My brain’s serotonin level had became woefully deficient to the point I could not think, could not perform at work, could not interact with others. I crashed so hard and damaged everything that was of value to me. Too, and quite importantly, the church I was involved in, and really no fault of their own, was one of the major factors of my slow-motion, substained crash.

Eventually, I ended up taking a week or so off from work, sought professional help (which, over time, wasn’t very helpful, quite honestly), and began taking an SSRI in the form of an antidepressant called Paxhil. I also found I suffered, as per professional diagnosis, from social anxiety disorder (though I suspected Aspergers Syndrome – but you cannot always trust online mental health diagnostics), post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and clinical depression, all of which I had often self-medicated with (mostly) modest amounts of alcohol. After the passage of some time and as my serotonin levels normalized, I was able to function once again, but damage had been done both at work and home and church. Embarrassment and shame were, and remain, my constant shadows. Eventually, I weened myself off Paxhil, experiencing disturbing lucid dreams and nightmares at night and dizziness during the day in the process, all the while trying to be a good father, husband and employee.

Where this all has led me is to a post-Paxhil, post-church place where I feel as if I have been rebooted, as it were. Much of the mental malware that has belabored me for a lifetime seems to be gone and I feel more whole and assured  and fearless than I ever have in my life, but what seems to have been lost is an innocent, childlike faith in God I experienced for a short few years not too long ago. I do not believe I can lean on the Creator completely anymore. I intellectually acknowledge that He is trustworthy, but that perhaps I am, in His good sovereignty, more a vessel molded for dishonor rather than honor. Perhaps I never really believed like I thought I did. I affirm that He works out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, but now and in light of His seeming absence through much of the course of my 50+ years, I question my love for Him and I question that I am called according to His purpose. Inversely, I question that He has for me anything other than common grace. Quite honestly, I know I do not deserve even that.

In an earlier post, I cryptically alluded to the fact that I may change the direction of this blog due to certain issues, and all the aforementioned is why. Perhaps I will occasionally blog on theological things while I remain in this state of flux, but I may, for a while, let the blog drift into other directions and interests.

I must affirm that I have no significant intellectual issues with orthodox Christianity. I cannot walk away from the real and historical nature of the resurrection of the Christ. I cannot walk away from the natural revelation of the Creator. I would be intellectually dishonest to wed myself to evolutionary thought. If I could honestly do so, quite frankly, my internal tensions would not be so intense. It would be  relatively easy for me to be agnostic at this point and stage. However, things are too complex to take that easy route.

Quite honestly, if anyone wants to correct my thinking, call me out on anything that I have written here, slap me around a bit to knock some sense into me, please go ahead. I did not get to this point overnight. I have been drifting in this direction for quite a while, in all truthfulness,  and I would love to be in another place, as it were. All that being said, my one real theological hope is this: even though I do not like where my head is at spiritually right now, I cannot walk away from the fact that God is sovereign. If he so pleases, He will bring me to a place of trust, and it will be through His effort, not mine, and I will be the wiser for it. If He does not please to do so, I will enjoy His common grace knowing that He is Creator, not me, and in my falleness, I deserve no better than what I get. I believe – I think, help me in my unbelief. What will chapter five bring? I hope a renewed faith.

Taking a break…

…from blogging a bit.  Also did some house cleaning.  I unpublished  some posts that, in retrospect, were probably were not the  most clearly representative of my thinking or were  written in haste and can be improved upon… perhaps to be republished.

…perhaps concluding with one of my ubiquitous rants…

I will probably refrain from blogging for awhile. I even toyed with the idea of deleting this blog, but decided not to do so, at least for the time being.  I increasingly think myself to be utterly unqualified to speak on weighty things. I also do not want to entertain any narcissism,and blogging, for me, can provide a temptingly fertile soil for such.  You see, I am a not very good Christian.   I am at times self-righteous and and prone to be an idolater.  I am often foolish in speech and action and prone to be self-absorbed.  I often beat myself up over my sin and shortcomings.  But I am redeemed by my Saviour, Christ Jesus.  In the end, that is all I got.  That is absolutely all I got to cling to, and I have to preach that to myself daily.  All I have is the fact that I can stand before my Maker because my Redeemer took upon Himself my sin.  He lived a sinless and obedient life for me and took my sins upon Himself on the cross.  He rose again, in time and space, in history, and defeated death.  Simul Iustus et Peccator (simultaneously sinner and saint) , I am not living my best life now.  That comes later.  What I am learning, thought, is that I have a great High Priest who intercedes for me.   I was dead in my trespasses, but my Redeemer breathed life into me, brought me to faith, to belief, to a trust that He is sufficient.  When I am weak, He is magnified.  If Christ uses the weak and foolish to confound the strong and wise of the world, then I hope I am His man.

Here are a few thoughts with which to give either the closing punctuation this blog or at least a pause:

• Are we more weighed down by the sins done to us than by the sins we have done to others, or for more importantly, against God? Do we truly ponder the gravity of of our rebellion, even as redeemed saints, in light of a holy, sovereign and righteous God? Without a heart broken and contrite over one’s sin, piety can be hollow and may be followed and fueled by a cold, self-righteous moralism. Each and every one of us is to varying degree a recovering Pharisee with a propensity towards  self-pity, self-righteousness,  and self-agrandization.

• No matter how bad we think our circumstances, in light of our innate fallen nature, we deserve no better. Why do we Christians complain about our supervisor at work, about our job, our financial worries, our relational issues, our health when each breath is a gift? To do so is to proclaim to God, “I deserve better than what you have given me!” And I am guilty. The lines do not always fall into pleasant places, and God is still sovereign, good, holy, righteous, and merciful. Our Redeemer knows we are made of but dust and our life is but a vapor. He knows, in His absolute sovereignty,  how we feel and what we are going through.  The Triune God uses trials mold us as a potter’s hand molds a lump of clay.  And He gives us good gifts and joy, too.

• Sometimes we have truly been wronged by others and the consequences linger for longer that we think necessary or fair. And sometimes our thoughts linger over such longer than necessary.  Grace does not abound in those places.

• When we long for righteousness, when we groan over sin, both ours and that of others, and I hope that is something no saint ever grows beyond experiencing, we know that He is near to a broken and contrite heart. The Messiah, the Word through Whom all things hold together, intercedes for us to the Father. He does not break the bent reed nor extinguish the smoldering wick.

• The one who is forgiven much, loves much.

• I do not think people often meet the Jesus they most profoundly need when all they are presented with is a Redeemer who’s overarching goal seems to be meeting all our felt needs and making sure we are happy and make good decisions..  Sadly, many are satisfied with that misrepresentation of Jesus who has a ‘wonderful plan for your life’. Sadly, I think this is the Jesus presented in many American churches.

• Expanding on that previous bullet point, I just  recently listened to three sermons from rather influential pastors.  Two of the sermons were on tapping into some inferred, innate leadership ability that resides in all of us. In a nutshell, the sermons go thusly: because we all know Jesus was a great leader, great insight into leadership principles can be gleaned from examining His methods.  We need to discover and apply those leadership lessons to our lives as our lives intersect with others.

• (Warning: engaging rant mode) Without exception, in each of the sermons, the pastor spent most of his time elaborating on personal anecdotes and experience as well as referencing secular books on leadership principles. Without exception, and like most every thematic sermon on felt needs, each pastor started off with a pet project and with good intention and then twisted and distorted whatever Scripture was used out of its intended use and context. I am no genius, but I do know how to read. I see when context is ignored. What I see in each of these sermons is a grand adventure in missing the point of the text and jumping off onto pet projects of felt needs, of reducing the grand narrative of the Bible, the story of Creation, Fall, and Redemption through Christ, into a self-help manual.

• Here, too, is a portion of a sermon I listened  to  from on of the guys who  gave the leadership seminar/sermon:

Your God is so great that when Moses asked Him in Exodus 3:14 what’s Your name and who shall I tell the Israelites who sent me, God could not confine Himself to a particular description so he announced His presence by saying “I AM who I AM.”  I love that! You can’t box Me in. I AM who I AM. The old King James versions says, I AM that I AM. I think that a good interpretation of that statement into into a modern translation would be…”What ever you need, thats what I AM.” “I AM that. That’s what I am.”

This section of the sermon goes on a bit about how God is there to meet your financial, emotional, and relational needs and then concludes thusly:

“He is. He simply is so maybe we should just say today…God is…. fill in the blank. What do you need. Thats what He is.“

Now, the rest of the sermon was not completely without merit or without Gospel implications, but to say the that God’s ontological disclosure of I AM who I AM means ‘I AM whatever you need me to be’ tends to reduce God to a servant to our felt needs, a God who seems to exist  to make us feel good, to make us happy.  God is not as concerned about our happiness as much as we are.  He is more concerned about our sanctification.  I think broad swaths of the church makes much of God making much over us almost as much as they make much of God.  Whew…..

I would really love to hear these guys try to exegete the book of Jeremiah.  If they did, it would  probably end up being a sermon on finances. leadership, sex, or marriage  Yea, I know I am being a bit cynical, but the only time I heard hard things from these guys is when they preach their ubiquitous messages on tithing, and even then, the message usually ends up massaging a felt need, a desire for financial blessing.  Also, what stood out in stark relief for me is how much these guys talk about themselves on stage. Perhaps more than half of each sermon consisted of humorous  stories of their childhood or some personal anecdote that was somehow used in sometimes tenuous ways to segue into the theme of the speech. And if they are not talking about their life experience, they often talk about their church and its history. I remember listening to a pastor state that he was going to preach on a passage of Scripture from the Sermon on the Mount, but God told him to preach on the history of his church instead. That was not God, but ego,  speaking to the pastor and instructing him that His word is to be trumped by a narrative on the  pastors empire.

Without conscious intent, what happens in a purpose driven and market driven church is it ends up personality driven. They often reduce the objective truth of Gospel to a personal, subjective narrative of some nebulous ‘life change.’ And you know what, these pastors seem like truly nice guys. I believe treat their friends and family well.  They are kind to animals and pay their taxes.  They are well-intentioned.  And sometimes God uses such men in spite of their error.

And I am finished listening to bad sermons.  I do not know why I subject myself to such other than to practice discernment.  I guess too, I am more deeply nourished by and thankful for sermons of substance after having imbibed sugary sermons that in the end do not satisfy.

Blogging in my PJs…or…ID and the consequence of ideas

Staying home today, still sick…

While sick, I am, among other and few things, doing a bit of blog updating. What I have done is add a few intelligent design/evolution links to the sidebar. I have been immersed, in varying degrees, as a layperson in the origins question for years. Recently, I do not generally follow developments in the debate to any great degree. My interests have moved on to other topics.

That being said, ideas have consequences, the more profound the idea, the more profound the consequence. What I have learned over the years that it is not enough, though not without import, to convince someone of the ‘correctness’ of a metaphysic. Ultimately, that is, in my opinion, what the origins debate most accurately addresses – a metaphysical framework as much if not more so than science.

What I have had the express pleasure to do is to use this debate, in a few conversations, as a springboard to the Gospel. So what if I am able to convince someone of the correctness, or at least the reasonableness, of my view of origins with finely honed rhetoric. Not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but as a Christian, I have to point beyond a metaphysical framework to the Redeemer who created the material world.

Good Blogging

Cerulean Sanctum

Blogging ‘lite’ – Law ‘lite’

I may be very sparse (for me) in the length, perhaps one-hundred words or so, of my posts in the foreseeable future. I think that I will sometimes post questions, mostly rhetorical in nature and with minimal (for me) contextual framing.  Here is an example:

I have heard many times that we are to give Jesus “our best”, often within the context on a sermon on tithing. I remember watching/listening to a sermon on the TV by a nationally known and influential preacher at the begining of the year.  The message was that, in 2008, we need to be more faithful in tithing, we need to be sure to witness to others on a regular basis, and we need to be more faithful in attending church, perhaps with the inferred promise that we will be blessed by our obedience in the new year, financially and otherwise.  This preachers intent was noble and the things he called us to do are, in an of themselves, praiseworthy, but may sometimes the preaching and exhorting to give Jesus “our best” be an unintended invitation to a performance-driven legalism lite?  On the other hand, at what point do we begin to tread the dangerous ground of antinomianism?

Thinking my thoughts, but articulating them much more clearly….AKA my shortest post ever..

Theology and Steak

Thus it begins….

While I have had a rather lame website for the last ten years or so, a Blogspot blog that has been fallow since 2005, and a bookmarking/social networking site that I rarely interact with anymore, I have decided to enter again into the ‘blogosphere’ again with the absurd hope that perhaps two or three people may stumble upon this humble attempt at coherently putting my evolving thoughts to the written word and somehow find something of value. You may also find me occasionally plagiarizing myself as I leach content from one of my aforementioned sites to post on this blog, at least until I find my stride. Also, as an aside, I hate the word ‘blog’ because it sounds, in an onomatopoeic way, like the oral results of food poisoning.

Thus it begins………..